It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
