I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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