look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
