I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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