I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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