Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
