i wish starbucks made bloody marys
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
