Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
