Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
