after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
