About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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