billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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