Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
