New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
