I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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