saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
