Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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