sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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