I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
