Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You are a genius and a whore.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
