he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize