There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
