I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
