Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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