what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
