I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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