Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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