There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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