I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
