whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
