I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize