and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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