the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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