Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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