Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
