I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
