Can i not drive my cunt home
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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