his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
