Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
