I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
