I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
