Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
