we need to drink 2009 down the drain
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize