there was a trapeze. enough said
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
