Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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