I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
FUCK WHALES
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
