Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Soap is not a condiment
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
