Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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