I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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