I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just took my morning after pill in the library
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
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