she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
