If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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