she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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