Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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