i don't like sucking hair
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
