You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
you inspire me to be a worse person
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
