I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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