I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
