evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
