Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
