I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
