Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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