your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
