just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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