I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
