P.S. I can't hear my feet
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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