oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
